Dear Brittani

Brittani

This is letter I wrote to myself, from the perspective of my "friends", to represent all the things people have said to me over the last year. Hopefully how ridiculous this letter is, will shine some light on how ridiculous people sound to me. 

Dear Brittani, 

I didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this, I don't mean to sound rude but... you're an annoying person to be around now. You suck as a friend AND FAMILY MEMBER! Just so you know, No one can see your illness! Like none of us literally sees anything wrong with you. Ok you're skinny, but what girl in America doesn't want to be. Actually to be quite frank, it kinda sorta seems like you're exaggerating the severity of your illnesses. I mean c'mon, you don't even look sick enough to have CANCER, CROHN'S DISEASE, LUPUS, & DRESS SYNDROME. Like get over yourself and this ploy for attention. Also, you're horrible at replying to text messages now. You hardly ever answer your phone, you never go out anymore. I hardly hear from you unless you reach out to me and it's so annoying. You really need to try harder to be a better friend. Insomnia? Are you kidding me? The bags under your eyes aren't even that big.

You act so tough, but I saw you crying this morning. You're so behind in school, doesn't matter you're on independent study.  Your hair and skin are also always so dry. Get some freaking lotion why don't you? This wearing sweats everyday and watching Netflix routine is not cute. Take a shower and change your clothes! Medical marijuana is just an excuse to get high. It's not helping anything. Mood and mental health don't count either! Chemo pills aren't nearly as bad as iv chemo, grow a pair!

Wow! So like 5 or 6 nurses missed when getting your blood drawn the other week. But did you die? I didn't think so, so shh. You realize getting remmicade infusions every other week isn't even that difficult. How hard is it really to sit for 4 hours in one chair with a tube in your arm? Level of difficulty ummm 1? And are you really that tired? Spoons? That's stupid. It can't possibly take that much energy to get out of bed. You burn maybe a calorie. Oh and don't you dare forget to comfort me, to convince me, to support me, and educate me on my ignorance because I refuse to be empathetic or do research on my own. If I don't easily understand it, if I can't see it, if I personally cannot feel it... it's not REAL.

No one will ever offer you the apology that you deserve. People will continue to pretend to be concerned about your well being when it's convenient. People will continue to magically make you being sick about them. No one will ever see how badly or deeply your pain goes because you will not show it. You will continue to have to be your own advocate, no one will ever care like you do. People will continue to forget your food allergies and constantly put your life at risk. No one will ever take your triggers seriously. The tremors and seizures are all in your head, give up trying to convince a soul it ever happened.  Sorry to break it to you sweetheart but no one cares. It is your problem not ours, deal with it. 

Love,

Your so called "friend". 

Brittani's Instagram: @_090215
Brittani's blog:  http://thesecondofseptember.blogspot.com

Holly Gouldthorpe